Cat

I was thrilled to see the Cameron-Clegg administration bow to the inevitable this week and send for a cat to police Number 10. The sighting of vermin at our most prestigious address can't be a good thing for the country's image. (Insert your political rat joke here). A grateful nation must hope Larry is successful in his mission of making the outside of Number 10 a safe place to do pieces to camera once again.

There was an unmistakable air of self confidence about Larry as he was unloaded by his handlers. The photographs of him on the stairs show a cat with a degree of chutzpah, not to mention his pre-emptive strike on ITV News correspondent Lucy Manning. But there are things the Camerons should know about their new friend.

First, the vast majority of cats are accomplished benefit scroungers. They will always choose the path of least resistance and Downing Street looks as if it has a number of excellent places to get some shut-eye. I suspect Larry may not be a fan of volunteering, and like one of Downing Street's former bosses, cats as a species do not really recognise society.

But secondly, should Larry feel an urge to make a living and actually nail a couple of rats the Camerons should expect a visitor in the wee hours bearing a gift. This gift may infact be only wounded. We can only hope Dave and Sam have a strong stomach, and perhaps a shovel should be issued to the Number 10 copper to extinguish any rat-resistance and dispose of any bodies.

Third, and this is crucial, getting on with cats requires both bribery and an eye on your furniture. I suggest Whiskas treats and the installation of a scratching mat on the cabinet room wall. You can get them from Lidl, Prime Minister, if you're passing.

Bonne chance Larry!